Vienna waits

Vienna- Billy Joel

Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart tell me
Why are you are still so afraid?

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do and only
So many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you an just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you

Slow down you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be before your time
Although it's so romantic
on the borderline tonight

Too bad but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself
That you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong
you know you can't always see when you're right

You got your passion you got your pride
But don't you know only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you

Slow down you crazy child
Take the phone off the hook
And disappeaar for a while
It's alright you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you.

Resentments and anxieties

The C2C reading was about resentments "Resentments mark the places where I see myself as a victim", ODAT's reading was about anxiety "We need to erase useless anxieties from our hearts and minds." The theme seems to be, "Get over it." And why, because holding on to the bad stuff keeps me held back. It keeps me from growing and keeps me from forgiving. And not forgiving keeps me angry, and being angry keeps me crazy. Now, I realize, after years and years of program and conversation and meditation and prayer- why this makes sense. But every once in a while, I open my book and read one of these pages that say that my anxiety and my resentment is MY problem and I just think, "why am I being blamed for this???" Why should I get over it, when some days I feel SO justified to be so pissed off?? I know the reasons... but some mornings, I just close the book and think, "oh no- not today. Today I am not going to take responsibility for this and I'm just going to be justifiably resentful" And some days, that's ok.
Michael pulled out the Christmas ornaments and said later he will pull out the Christmas tree. Christmas is in 8 days. 8 days. I have no idea how I am going to afford presents, and truly- I just don't care. It sounds awful. We have a big 7 foot tree in my office that I decorated, I water and turn the lights on every day. I listen to holiday music and try to be in the spirit. But really- I have no desire to do that here. There is going to be a 7 foot TREE in my house in which my boys will get under, try to climb on, it will look funky because we will put all the unbreakable ornaments on the bottom, and every day we will have to redecorate the bottom two feet from where the babies have pulled off the ornaments. I have no presents to put under the tree, and I guess I'm resentful that I have to figure out a way to get some under there!!! I will do some shopping tomorrow, because I do have the means to put some presents under the tree. I think Alex is old enough for a gift card. I swear that is all he wants. Money for video games. I always told him that we will have Christmas in January, cause I just can't afford it right now. I have a fake tree- fuck it, we can keep it up until February!!! It's not going to DIE. The babies don't NEED any more toys, I swear, there are SO many damn toys here. I can buy them clothes... they won't know the difference. I can just go and buy some little toys for them, cars and boats and socks (they NEED socks) and they will be happy to tear paper off of things. I have to remember that the little ones don't need anything fancy. And unfortunately there is very little I can do about the horrendous holiday 'greed' that Alex's dad has instilled in him. That is why he goes to his dad's for Christmas, because he has set up this precedence of buying him everything he wants- it's maddening and it's absolutely impossible for me to do that- because I can't afford it, and I just won't do it. It drives me crazy, but he is going to have to keep that up. Everyone thinks I'm crazy for letting his dad have him every year on Christmas morning, but I would really hate to see the look of disappointment on Alex's face when he does not find over $500 worth of presents under the tree, just for him.
So I am trying not to have a bitchy Christmas. Trying not to feel bad for being broke. Trying not to remember the years of bad Christmases. Today I guess is a good day to work on letting go of resentments and anxieties. It's Christmastime, and God knows I have alot of them.
Here is a Christmas memory that is a good one...
Back before my mom became a Jehovah's Witness and we used to celebrate Christmas...She would be at work, and we would all be waiting for her to come home so we could decorate the Christmas tree. We had this huge tree. In my memory it was like 10 feet tall, but in reality it was probably only 7. It was flocked. And I guess one night we would put the tree up- and my mom would put the lights on and then the next night we would wait for her to come home from work and decorate it. So she would come home, and we'd put on Christmas Music. My mom loved "Rockin Around the Christmas Tree" so when I hear that song, I see my mom, in her red apron dress hanging up ornaments on the big flocked, 10 foot Christmas tree.
It's a good memory. It makes me smile. Life seemed simpler. I suspect she worried about the same things, how was she going to put gifts under the tree for 4 kids. I'm sure I'm not to only one worrying about this right now.
I just have to let it go. Pray about it first, and let it go. Let God take care of Christmas and all my bills. Damn, why is that always the last thing I think to do?? How much time do I spend in program before I remember to pray about the things that are troubling me???

I thought this was a cool picture.
I stayed home from work sick today. Little germy kids got me sick!! So I decided that the office can live without me, and I took care of myself today. I took the day off, took my finals and laid on the couch for several hours. I plan on doing that for the remainder of the evening, and possible the entire weekend. Michael is feeling well and it's a perfect time for me to be sick as I think I can do it without any guilt, so I'm just going to take it easy and just NOT feel well- because I don't feel well and I rarely get the opportunity to actually BE sick because he is usually sick first, or more sick. sigh.... so while I can be sick, I will just be sick...and not try to be anything else.

How important is it?

There are alot of slogans in program. One Day at A Time, Keep Is Simple, Easy Does it, Think, Live and Let Live, Principles above Personalities. One that I have heard in meetings- is How important is it? IT's 5AM and that is what I'm thinking right now.
Last night I was told in not such a nice way that there is nothing to eat in the house. Now granted, I know that the choices are slim- but I do the absolute best I can and I just hope that the adults in the house realize that our first responsibility is to make sure the kids get fed, and we come second. It's perfectly logical- and EXPECTED to go to bed a little hungry just so long as my kids have food in thier bellies. So after realizing that I did not have my check book on me, I went to the store with the little bit of cash I had on me, and I bought the basics I was instructed to get, and I would just shop some more tomorrow. Where the money will come from tomorrow, I don't know.
So I bought some juice, and some other things. I commented that I would wait on buying the milk. My kids don't drink ALOT of milk, and they are going to the babysitter first thing this morning anyway. So I this morning I get up and go to the fridge and the gallon of juice I bought, has less than 1/4 left in the jug. LESS THAN A QUARTER. I came home with it at 10PM. 7 hours ago. Which means that through the night, my TYPE 1 DIABETIC husband has drank almost a GALLON of juice. Which angers me on two levels. First, he should not drink that much juice. I mean, he shouldn't drink a GLASS of it- let alone just shy of a GALLON!! And secondly, there are KIDS that live in this house. We do not have alot of money for shopping etc., and he thinks it's ok to drink the juice. Practically ALL the juice. This infuriates me. I would really like to go in there and throw forks at him, or maybe glasses, or pots and pans perhaps. I think he is a selfish jerk and reaffirms why I am no longer committed to this marriage.
However, I am opting not to start a fight with him about it. A) it's 5AM and his blood sugar is probably up around 450 so I'm sure he is in no mood for conversations. B) the juice was $1.00. C) I can argue with him all I want, he is NOT sorry, he will not BE sorry, and he will just do it again. It's a losing battle really- I've had it before. My arguing will just be my attempts to let him know that I think he's a jerk. And really, I'm quite certain he knows that already... So while I think that my anger is justified, it will make no difference for me to barge in there and tell him why I'm pissed off. His reacting will not be sufficient for me, it will probably only prove to piss me off even more. So I will keep my mouth shut- and simply not buy any more juice. (Milk is equally bad for him when he drinks it in such high quantities- except milk is more expensive and if it's going to be thrown down his throat so quickly and with the same effect, then I will buy the juice first- if anyone is wondering WHY I would even buy such sugary juice with a diabetic glutton in the house). The kids can drink water. I simply can't AFFORD to spend so much money on beverages that are going to disappear overnight. Wouldn't it be great if he'd just, I don't know, work?
Well that is a whole nother Oprah- so I won't go there this morning. I'm just going to keep my mouth shut, because it will only upset me more to complain about it, and just wait. He will be gone eventually. It won't be soon enough, but eventually.

Monday Monday....

This is what joy looks like. Look how damn happy these boys are. How can you not be happy in a swimming pool. In November. Jeez, nothing fills my heart like my boys. I have three boys. My oldest does not do these cute things like the little ones do. My oldest son does other things, like plays with the little ones, so I can go into the other room and lay down for 20 minutes because I have a splitting headache. He helps build things with my dad. He tells me that it doesn't matter to him what I decide, as long as I'm happy. He's unfiltered and he's honest. My boys are precious and loving. I hope that people think they learned that from me.
So my sponsor, who I adore (I cannot stop saying that) mentioned that World Service was looking for writers to 'write their stories' for publication. I think I may inquire into that. I think it would be good for me to share my story in a way that protects my anonymity, cause this blog really doesn't...but it's a 12th step thing. I explained to a friend of mine the 12th step...carry the message and practice principles in all my affairs. I don't know if I do that- but I guess this blog is about carrying the message. I am excited about the comments I get (more comments, more comments- I don't care who you are!!)- and knowing that people are reading my blog from all over the world. Hong Kong, Singapore, the Netherlands (hey- I'm Dutch/Indo- so that's cool to me). I hope that people don't think I'm full of crap. I'm trying to be a good example of program- and putting it out in a 'public' way, helps me keep the focus on the steps and the principles, and NOT just me bitching about my husband, my kids, my job or my life. I find that while I'm writing, the answers come to me when I try to apply the steps and principles. I find the steps amazing. I find thier order appropriate and thier meaning very liberating. It's about letting go of the bullshit and just living right. Not perfect not even saved but just right. I think what kept me away from God was the fact that I never felt like I lived right. I was not living up to my potential, I was making bad choices. I was not good enough. God did not make sense to me- I didn't understand him, or know what he wanted from me.
Then I heard an AA speaker, Ed M. And his story absolutely amazed me. I emailed him, and he shared with me his thoughts about God, about faith, and about forgiveness. He changed my life. Truly changed my life. And I think what amazed me the most, is that he just started living right. That eventually his heart opened to these steps and things started happening for him. And so his story an his sharing his life with me, made me believe just a little, that perhaps there was something to this God thing. And I started to believe just that much. And slowly things began to change for me. I don't know if religion, or church has what I need. I don't know if organized religion has all the answers- if anything it only leads me to more questions, but for me- the answers to me, to my questions about what will make me a good and useful person are in the steps. Program or no program. Religion or no religion, God, Higher Power, Divine Spirit, whatever. It doesn't matter. The first few steps get you right with whatever your higher power is, the next few get you right with you, and the last steps get you right with everyone else (it was explained to me this way). Applying the steps helps me stay right. Live right. Living right- it's a damn good place to start.