My last day.....

Yesterday at work, the office had cake and ice cream for me. The cake said "Bon Voyage Julie". I was so suprised!!! Tonight some people and I are going out to dinner/drinks (lots of them) and I knew that. I was not expecting a cake, and everyone around me- smiling and they clapped for me. Someone said for me to 'say something'- but I couldn't. I almost started to cry just walking in the room and seeing everyone smiling at me. I made a funny comment about being able to sleep in. Then I cut the cake and served it, which is funny, and typical- but I probably would not have had it any other way.
Damn, they could not have made me feel any more supported about leaving. I am starting to feel better about it now. My hesitation has come from my own insecurity regarding my ability to do good work. But all week, people have been telling me how much I will be missed. That it won't be the same, that they will never find an equal replacement. And all that encouragement, makes me feel better about leaving. I feel like all these people are behind me- wishing me well, and believing that I can make a difference somewhere else. I'm so grateful for that.
Time to move on
Time to step out of my comfort zone
Time to prove
to myself
that I really HAVE grown

The changes start today.

I can't think of a title.....

It's been three days and I'm going through blog withdrawals. Is there anything that I don't eventually become hooked on??
Spoke to my sponsor the other day- she wants to get together to do my third step. I'm ready, but then, not so ready. My program has been suffering a bit as of late. I have taken my life back into my own hands lately. The third step is "Became willing to turn our will and lives over to the power of God as we understood him." and lately I have not been so willing to do that. I feel like I need to keep my hands on the wheel right now. (Referencing that song "Jesus take the wheel.") In the back of my mind, I sense this is a bad idea. I believe that God's plan for me is better than any plan that I have for myself. And in the grand scheme of things, I will end up where I'm supposed to. But I need to stay strong, and I need to stay focused on my goals. I have to keep my eye on the future today- because the present is kind of painful and I just need to look towards a better time, and I know that time is coming eventually.
I agreed to help Michael move out. He' s looking for a room to rent, and I offered to pay a month or two of that rent for him. It seems like the decent thing to do. Maybe too decent. Maybe too kind. But he's my husband and I want to him to be ok. Have a roof, and at least a decent start. He will have a membership to the gym, so if he finds himself somewhat homeless, he will have access to a shower. That seems like a decent thing to do. I have been told that it's still enabling. That I'm still helping him too much. But damn it, he's my husband!! I'm not divorcing him just yet. He's someone that I care about. Maybe I am not in love with him the way I used to be. But I still care about him. He's my kids dad. As thier mom, I owe it to them to help him where I can. And maybe two more months of shelter and access to something healthy, like a gym membership is the least I can do- perhaps to lessen my own guilt.
I am just not that person who can say, 'hey- screw you and get out.' I just can't do it. And maybe I should, but I can't. I won't. There's a limit to my helping, and if I can't help, I won't help. But if I can, I will- at least for now. Once he's moved out- and perhaps had time to adjust, then I will have to be stronger. I think it will be easier for me to be strong if he's not around to push my buttons.
There are women in my meeting who are "black belt Al-Anon's" who would be able to be stronger. Who would not put up with the crap that I have- and maybe some day I will be there. But today I'm just not. and I know the costs of that too.
Putting up with this. The drinking, the drugs, the peripheral crap that comes along with it... all of it, has cost me more than I thought I had to give. The fact that I have an ounce of dignity left is a miracle in itself. It has made me afraid. It has made me unable to trust myself- and other people. It has made me stop believing in the miracle of love and companionship- marriage. It's made me bitter and a little bit twisted. It's cut me off emotionally. There's this song "Because of you" from Kelly Clarkson, and while I suspect the song is about her mother- I hear it and I cry cause that is how I feel about him. "Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me. Because of you- I am afraid."
And I have my better days. Days that I feel ok about my life. Days that I feel hopeful about my life. About my accomplishments and the direction I'm heading.
But
I'm heading there alone.
And that
really
really
fucking
sucks.
I got married so I wouldn't have to be alone.
I did not plan to raise three kids on my own.
And yeah, I'm a little pissed off about that.
Like I said, the present is painful.
Today hurts.
"Just for today" is no comfort- I prefer to look toward the unknown future- cause it's got to be better than this shit.
This too shall pass...my best friend Carrie always reminds of that. Thank God for that.
But until it does- I'll just keep look on to tomorrow.

My chemical levels are low....

I was reading this morning about the chemicals that are involved when we fall in love. I don't know why...
But it's something about PEA- phenylethylamine. It a natural amphetamine, gives us energy and makes us feel all those excited jittery feelings, the ones that happen in the beginning. The ones that will ultimately be the demise of your life if you do something stupid, like get move in together, get married, get pregnant or leave your current spouse before they wear off. Apparently after the PEA wears off, then your body creates dopamine, which stimulates the production of oxytocin. This is what keeps us around, it seems. The warm and cuddly chemicals. (granted I am reading this information off of some web sites so I'm certain that I'm missing important biochemical information, blah blah...
But anyway- my point is that chemicals seem to have alot to do with why we fall in love, and how we stay in love. This is an idea that I can grasp. I have issues with sociology and theories. Give me facts any day.
So in keeping with this whole chemical thing, I have a thought. Why is it that after a few days of not talking to someone you care about, you start to miss them. That weird aching in your gut, the weight that sits on your heart. I wish I had a big vocabulary to explain it better. Is that the result of your body not creating that domanine? A low level of the oxytocin that seems to pump through us constantly when we are in love? Because it seems to me, that as soon as the object of our desire returns- even with something as small as a phone call...we return to our "normal person"state, and no longer feel that emptiness. We have our fix and are high once again. We all have our addictions...

So this is 2006 huh??

So it's New Years Day and since I can't watch the damn Rose Parade until tomorrow- I will go ahead and post some resolutions, resignations and a gratitude list. I really watch the Rose Parade. I love parades. Not the floats, but the marching bands, tall flag and dance teams. I find a weird comfort in the straight lines and diagonals of a parade block. The flow and unity of it, when it's right. It's an old drill team thing. I was the front right guide. I was NEVER out of step. Damn, I loved that!!!

Resolutions.
1. This year I am going to continue making my best efforts not to overdraw my checking account. Sounds simple for some of you who don't live paycheck to paycheck, but for those of us who do-well, it's not always as easy as it sounds.
2. I'm actually going to just try to be better with my money overall. Spend less when I have more. Save some for the lean months, because I know when they are.
3. Keep my house cleaner- even if it means hiring someone to come in and clean it for me.
4. Take Alex to the movies more often. I realized yesterday on our way to the movies that the last time I took him to the movies was LAST YEAR, for his birthday.
5. Potty train both babies. Gabe is 3 years old, Danny is two. They should BOTH be out of diapers by this time next year.
6. Continue to be more social. This is something that I have been practicing since I got into program. Spending time with friends and not declining invitations without a truly good reason to do so. I have spent alot of years not nurturing the friendships I have because I keep telling myself that they don't REALLY want to hang out with me.
7. Find another business. I did the candles and the stamps. I still sell Avon. I am seriously seriously considering pleasure parties- and no, not the instructional kind. The kind with lotions and lingerie and toys.
8. Work out. I joined the gym- so I need to use it. I am strangely comfortable being overweight lately, which is not good. I guess I am more comfortable with my insides, so my outsides don't bother me as much. But seriously, I have a family history of heart disease- and even my doctor mentioned that with my stress level, I really should do whatever I can not to fall over dead at 40.
9. Keep in touch with my friends. I am leaving my current job, and I need to stay in touch with the friends I have made. I am bad about that.
10. Get through my steps this year. I have to keep going with my program. I still have not done my third step, although I wrote it out months ago.
11. Anonymously blog about all of me... not just my al-anon stuff and my kids. I have a whole world of crap going on in my head and I wonder if this blog just presents me as this really sad woman with kids and a husband who is an alcoholic. I think I have alot more to say than just this.

Resignations.
1. I am NOT a good cook. I'd like to perfect a few recipes that my kids will injest, but I am NOT my mother. I cannot whip up something in 10 minutes with hot sauce, half a rotissie chicken and some onions.
2. I will never please my mother. It's just not possible. It doesn't matter what I do, or how well I do it. I will never be good enough in her eyes, and perhaps I have to accept that maybe the problem is her expectations, and not my actual output.
3. I do not want to be alone. I hate being single. I really really do. But I think that being on my own, sans male companionship is going to be important, when the situation presents itself.
4. I have really screwed myself up these past 7 years. I have such a skewed and ass backwards look of what marriage is supposed to be like. I have accepted unacceptable behavior, so much that it looks normal to me now. I need to find out what it means to be treated the way I deserve. I need to figure out what it is that I deserve and not settle for less than that.
5. I hate this disease. Addiction is the worst thing to ever touch my life, and I don't even have it!!! But I have to remember that it's a disease and I need to hate the disease not the person. (That's kind of like "Don't hate the playa, hate the game." Sorry, that line cracks me up every time.)

Gratitude List (and I'll just run it off)

My kids, they really are great kids.
My job (old and new)
my family
my friends
My sponsor
I have cable
I have dsl
I have a cell phone
I am starting to restore my credit
I have a place to live
I have a good relationship with my ex husband
I have accepted that Michael and I are going to be ok, regardless of what happens between us
I have love in my life, lots of it.
Flavored coffee creamer
My new boots (ok I'm not grateful for them, but I love them so much!!!)
And I am truly grateful for the fact that there is MORE that I could put on this list if I had the time. I have alot to be grateful for.

Happy New Year!!!!