Boundaries and powerless

The last post I wrote was probably foreshadowing for the rest of the week. I have a hard time keeping quiet lately- and sometimes I say things that I don't know if I mean. Today I put down a boundary with Michael- and really, I don't know if I mean it. I said it because it seemed like the right, appropriate and probably smart thing to say- but do I believe it? Will I really follow through with it?- I don't know. It was somewhat an impulsive comment, considering it does not at all take into consideration the plan of action that we already agreed upon. I don't want to fight with him, there's no point. It's over. I know it- he knows it. Why can't I just shut up??
I called my sponsor and she said I need to practice detaching, and turn it over to God. But God doesn't seem to be offering me any comfort today.
Freedom is a choice. I was reading that this morning. Freedom is a choice...my choice. I can choose to feel guilty about wanting it too. Michael told me today that the last two years have been all about me. WHAT???? He said that it's all been about me going to school and bettering myself and that I could not do that without him being there to take care of our children...ok...decent enough point. But why?- why did I want to go to school, better myself?- because I knew that he was not going to provide for me or the kids. Because I want to have a career that will hopefully provide for the family. And for the past three years I have been supporting him, (and putting up with all his unacceptable behavior) in exchange for him watching the kids. I guess it's a fair trade- if you take out the fact that we are married...
I guess in the end, I cannot make him do what I want him to do. I can't change him. I can't protect him. I have to just let him go. I don't know why that is still so hard. Is it because I really give a shit, or because I just want to control him. I don't think there is any salvaging anything here. He is using me, to support him and so maybe I should continue to let him live here and watch the kids so I can finish school and have my own life.... that is the thought that I keep juggling around. But it seems unlikely. It seems very very unhealthy for everyone.
I get alot of advice. A LOT. But in the end, I am the one who has to live with the end result. I am the one who will have to struggle with 12 hours in class, 36 hours of homework, and 40 hours at work- and these three boys. It's very easy for people who are not in my position to say that I can do this with a little bit of determination etc. etc.... And yes, I am certain that I CAN do it. I believe in myself enough to know that I can take this hard road alone, narrow and dark, the kids following me single file, and I hope they continue to walk behind me- and make us all suffer through it for the next two years, and come out successful on the end. But is it so wrong to suffer through the status quo?- take the road that is a little smoother, a little wider- but sometimes it rains alot. Neither of them are GOOD paths, but the end up in the same place. One is just a little better for those that are following me down it.

Chose your words, pick your battles....

So todays reading is about thinking before I speak. I think I have gotten better at this, at least with Michael. Funny that areas of my program work JUST in relation to Michael, or in every instance EXCEPT relating to Michael... but anyway.
When I am dilligent about it, I can keep my mouth shut. I can happily go about my business and not respond to every comment, be it negative, positive, hopeful for downright ridiculous. When I pay attention- I can detach and respond with "You may be right" or "I'm sorry you feel that way" or whatever appropriately vague comment that does not leave me open to attack that I can think of. Lately that kind of detachment and control has not been easy. I think I have been stressed out about other things... So it's time to start to refocus on my serenity.
My sponsor gave me these stones for Christmas. They are these pretty glass-type rocks that are different colors and say Courage, Hope, Faith, Serenity, and Peace. I taped them to my desk at work, so I can sort of put my hands on them. Perhaps it's stupid that this kind of thing does something for me. But you know, we all have our things... And since they are smooth, and there are 5 of them, they sort of massage my hand at the same time. I put Courage and Hope closest to me. I can move them around as needed. I love them. Maybe if I'm having a bad day, I can press one of them to my forehead...osmosis or something... whatever works at that moment.
I'm trying to bring myself back to my program. It's the only time that I can be happy, regardless of what is going on around me. Is when I have this. I don't go to church, Al-Anon is my spiritual program. It's what works for me. It's something I believe in for me. And being away from it, only makes me unhappy. So I need to make a better effort to work my program, because it helps me stay centered- and ultimately a more contented person.

Slogans in Al-Anon

This post might end up being a little long, but I have a jillion thoughts in my head right now and I can't make sense of any of them. So I went to a meeting yesterday, with my sponsor. It was the first time she had been to THAT meeting, and I think she will continue going to it. I love that meeting. It's a very special group and we are a healthy meeting. I had not been in a while and it was nice to see the faces of these people again.
So I'm struggling with my feelings today about Michael moving out. My mother threw me for a loop and her help with watching the kids to keep my day care costs down is not as 'all inclusive' as she led me to believe. I am not sure how to take that news, but I will simply wait and see what happens with that. Aside from that- I am starting to visually SEE just how sick Michael is, physically. He looks like he's dying. It's frightening.
I have enough reason that I should not care. I have enough ammunition to gun him down with resentment and anger and disgust and all out rage. I do not need any more reason to walk away. But I have reasons to stop and reconsider. And I am confused about it, even though that is just me trying to play God. Me, thinking that there is something that I can DO to help him get better- even though the words, "I can't help you with that..." come out of my mouth without me even thinking them.
When I am away from my program, I am filled with indignation and completely confident in my decision to make him leave. I am also self-righteous and mean to him. I cease to be a loving, compassionate person to him. And maybe it's deserved, but it certainly doesn' t make me FEEL any better. I was thinking back to years past, when I was really in to my program, and he was still drinking. I had disappointments and things that really bothered me, but over all I was able to work through them. However, I had no boundaries... He used to spend money and lie and do all these things, and while I handled them with detachment and compassion- I never really did anything to prevent it from happening again. He had no consequences for his misdeeds. So while I used my program to maintain my sanity, I was not doing anything to protect myself or to stop being a doormat. I still don't do well with boundaries. I guess that is what asking him to move out is all about. Boundaries. If he is not here, he can't hurt me with the things he does. I can't seem to allow him to suffer the consequences of his decisions because it seems unkind and when someone is looking me in the face asking for help, I feel rotten for saying no when it is within my means to help. For instance, he is not working and therefore all of his money comes from me and my job etc. So if he needs cigarettes, I pay for them. And when money is tight, and he asks me for money for cigarettes, I get a little bent by that. So it has been suggested to me, "tell him no." "tell him to get a job" "tell him to quit smoking". Sounds easy right?? Well, yeah- anyone who knows me, knows that I just can't DO that. Smoking is kind of a weird thing anyway, cause he's an ADDICT by nature, so denying to someone who has smoked for more than half of his life one idle Tuesday just because I chose THAT day to get some balls is just asking for a fight. I know that I should encourage him to quit smoking, but man, I am hoping that he does that AFTER he moves out. I have no desire to be around THAT loveliness. Anyway, I guess my point is that him moving out is the only way I can stop him from taking advantage of me, because I am just not strong enough to put my foot down and say, "NO." at least not often enough.
So anyway, in the meeting yesterday, the Al-Anon slogans were read. And we throw around the slogans when they are appropriate, but when you hear them, along with a brief description, it sort of puts more meat on them:
(This is right from the Brochure Alcoholism, the family disease)
Let Go and Let God Every day there are decisions to be made and problems to be solved. When we notice irritations growing into tensions, tensions into near-panic, and old fears returning, it is time to stop and turn to God. We find that when we supply the willingness, He supplies the power.
First Things First Much of our confusion and frustration is due to our failure to deal with tasks and problems in the order of their importance. It does take discipline to put aside things we'd rather do, and attend to those of first important first. But the rewards are great: we get things done, we enjoy a sense of accomplishment, and we learn to face issues with a real sense of value and purpose.
Live and Let Live This is a reminder that most of us need--often. Our only concern should be our own conduct, our own improvement, our own lives. We are entitled to our own view of things, and we have no right to inflict in on anyone else.
But For The Grace of God When we are resentful and embittered over an alcoholic's behavior, it is well to remind ourselves that the alcoholic did not choose to carry this burden of misery and despair. But for the grace of God, we might have been afflicted by this sickness. Let us be thankful that we have the blessings of sobriety, and be willing to help the alcoholic find this blessing too.

"...it is well to remind ourselves that the alcoholic did not choose to carry this burden of misery and despair..."

I read this and think, where is my compassion? Where is my understanding. Where is my faith in God, and love and marriage? It's hard to separate the disease. I remember, when people are attacking my choices and attacking my life, that addiction is a disease of the body, mind and spirit. It's like a tornado, spinning out of control and picking up peices and throwing them aside with no regard. I am quick to remember that when it's convenient for me and I have to justify my decisions. I can come up with all kinds of love and compassion and understanding and I look like a freaking saint. But when it's just the two of us, standing toe to to with nothing but the debris from the tornado, that concept disappears pretty quickly and I have no compassion, no program, no higher power. And I just stand there and judge him for not being what I expected him to be.
And here we go again..... Pastor Ed suggested to me that I forgive him for not living up to my expectations. And I thought I did that. But I guess I didn't, if I have to keep doing it over and over again....
I don't know what the resolution to this post was. Just getting it out- I guess. Spinning my own wheels.
If you made it to the end of this post, I appreciate your patience and please leave me a comment. Any experience strength or hope you might have...