More than the price of admission

Admitted we were powerless, our lives had become unmanageable.

Last night I reminded myself (and a friend) that all of my best efforts have brought me only to this point in my life. I am powerless, but not blameless. Sometimes we see the clear path of what the right thing to do is, but we choose to go the other way-down the wrong path- for nothing other than pure selfishness.

I cannot blame the things I am unhappy about on my situation, or on my husband or his situation. I choose to stay. I CHOSE to stay 7 years ago when I was first faced with this. I chose to stay when I did have several oppotunities go leave. Was I being selfish?- was I trying to have what was not mine to have? Was I trying to create a life and a family where maybe there shouldn't be one? Was I trying to convince myself. Or maybe I was trying to make more out of less. I was trying to make the best of things, move things along and hope that perhaps it will all sort itself out in the end. I don't know, but what I know is that I have less than what I want in a marriage and that somehow makes my life a little less worth living.

I don't want a life that is not worth the effort it takes to live it. I can change it. I can make better choices and I can plan a better life and a better future for me. Happiness, a few laughs, respect, maybe even a man I can trust my whole heart with. But maybe now is not the time for that. Right now I have to stay on track with school and not deviate from the plan. First things first, and the first thing I need to do is secure my financial future- and that of my kids and that will come by finishing school. I know that while things are not exactly ideal here in this marriage, it's a means to an end and maybe in a few years, my best efforts will put me someplace else, someplace better. Maybe then love will come back to me- a love that I can believe in and a love that makes my life worth living. A love that is so real, I don't even feel that I deserve it because it's worth so much, and costs me so little.

Fear

Father Leo's Daily Meditation

Fear is a killer. It stops the God-given spirituality in our lives from
taking shape and making life enjoyable. Fear is connected with doubt -
doubt of self. Low self-esteem develops along with fear and in order
for confidence to develop, the fear must be faced, confronted and
talked about.

Fear is not going to go away because we wish it away or hope it sway
or even pray it away. Fear needs to be identified, located and seen for
what it is - or, as in most cases, what it isn't. Fear of people, things,
tomorrow or life itself grows so long as we forge that we are creatures
of God. There is nothing that cannot be faced or overcome.

Fear is never stronger than our spirituality. We need to bring
our fear into the light; then it can be overcome.
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Today I pray not to be afraid of what comes next. I find that I am gripped with fear lately because I feel outside of myself. Everything feels a bit off center and I am not sure how to get back there. I am practicing gratitude. I am allowing people in. Letting people love me, loving people back. Just putting one foot in front of the other, and letting life happen. I don't want to be so afraid of every next turn, that I miss the whole journey.

Let Go and Let God. I just need to practice that today. That is the response to fear.

Just let go.

All I've got

So it seems that it's been a while that I've really talked about program. I guess I haven't really had much of one in a while. I was going to meetings, at least one or two a month, but I think it's been a whole month now. I almost don't want to go back, but I know that I need to. I am struggling lately. My life feels uneasy- and I know it's cause I'm away from a place that I feel centered. It's when I'm in pain that I really need program, and I can't deny that right now, I'm in pain- but it's not the same kind of pain. I guess I can approach it the same way. Just walk through it.

Be where my feet are and just let it run it's course. I used to try to move on to the next thing, so I don't have to feel my pain- but it always catches up to me. So I guess whatever I am going through right now, I just have to feel it. Regardless of how long it takes and how much it hurts. Just feel it- so when it's over, it's over. That's the best I can do right now. I am torn apart and it's all I feel lately. I miss Alex. I have spoken to him, once or twice a day the last few days. And it doesn't make me feel any better. We don't talk about much. He's 11- his phone conversation skills are lousy. And so we don't talk for long. It's not about talking to him, it's about the fact that at the end of the day, he's not coming home.

My husband, shockingly, has been really great this weekend. He knows I am struggling. He can see me crying all the time, and he doesn't try to fix it for me. He doesn't try to reason me out of my feelings- and he doesn't try to make it better for me. He has been good about leaving me be, and picking up my slack. I warned him that I wasn't doing well. That I am having a hard time. I told him that it's not the time for HIM to have a breakdown, it's my turn and he's going to have to deal with that. He said that was fine. He has been taking care of the kids, cleaning the house, and letting me sleep when I want to, which is really all I want to do right now. He brings me coffee and brings me a blanket. It's his way. We have a hard time relating to each other anymore, but I am grateful for his kind gestures. It must be awful to feel like this all the time. But I think today, I get it. Earlier today, I didn't even WANT to feel better. I just wanted to be sad, and cry and sleep. And I did. I left the house for lunch with my in-laws, and came home and went back to more sadness, more crying and more sleep. He didn't say a word. He knows how I feel right now. He can't make it better and he doesn't think he can either. But his efforts gave me something to be grateful about, and that helped me feel better tonight.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Or maybe the day after that.

I'm grateful for my husband being as great as he was today.
I'm grateful for my two boys who behaved at the restaurant at lunch and both of them napped afterwards.
I'm grateful that my son is safe and having fun, even if he's not with me.
I'm grateful that I have a job that I can go to tomorrow that is fun and engaging and keeps me busy and thinking.
I'm grateful that I have friends who love me and who are concerned for me right now and who are calling to check up on me, and try to cheer me up- even if they can't. It makes me feel good to know that I'm loved.

This too shall pass.

God I hope so.