Who is your higher power today??

My program is MIA. I haven't been to a meeting since before that mishap with my former sponsor. I have thought about going, but not with any real commitment to actually leaving the house to go.

Program gives me compassion. It gives me understanding. It helps me be patient. It helps me cope. It brings me back to my higher power. I am grateful for my program, however minimal it is in action, but it's in my heart and almost always on the forefront of my mind.

But, sometimes I think it makes me complacent. It makes me rethink the decisions I have made. Everytime I was ready to walk away, I would be in a meeting or talking with another person after a meeting, and I would hear something that would give me the strength, the inspiration, or perhaps even the guilt, to give it one more try. Am I too influenced by other people?? Have I become so flexible over the years that I really DON'T have my own convictions?

Detachment or Indifference??

It's hard sometimes to tell the difference. I think I have done a good job at detaching from some of the problems in this marriage that are not mine to tackle. But at the same time, I think I have become indifferent to them- and somewhat resentful. "I don't care" is not detachment. "I can't help you" is. I know that my husband is very sick right now. His doctor has ordered some tests and they are looking for something. Did he schedule those tests? Get the labs done? No.

So you see, it's hard for me to care, when I am not sure how much HE cares.

Sometimes indifference is the only way you can break free. Detach with love just doesn't seem possible. Don't care and keep my mouth shut, that is closer to what I'm capable of right now. Either way, I can't let his problems become my problems. They are not my problems anymore. Really, they never WERE my problems.

Born to fly

Sometimes it's hard to know when its the right time to act. In previous post I was thinking about timing and when it's the right time to make a life changing move and how it effects other people.

I have decided that I simply want out of this marriage. I want more. I deserve more. I realize that I am wasting my life by staying in a loveless marriage. It's over. I told my husband that my heart is not in it anymore. I don't want to be married to him anymore. I just want my life back. And with no great emotion, not even a blink- he said "And I think you should have it." I think he was relieved. I know he is not happy, but you know- like me- he's stuck, too. I think we have this mutual addiction and dependency on what the one person can do for the other person, but no real love for each other. That is what I think. He tries to tell me that he is still in love with me, but I don't believe that. By way of my ego, I am naturally attracted to people who like me, and I can tell when someone doesn't. This is not love, this is insanity.

We talked about remaining civil. We both had pretty nasty post divorce relationships with our exes and the older kids did suffer from it. If we can avoid the extra stress, that would be good. He said he will not drag his feet on moving out. I did not give him a time frame, but I told him if it seemed like he was dragging his feet, then I would move without him. I simply have to escape this life.

For a long time I simply felt that I didn't deserve more than what I got. Being married to an addict, and a person with chronic illness does something to you. It puts you last. It tells you where you are in the batting order, and that is either behind everyone else- or simply the umpire. The one who decides what is 'safe' and gets yelled at all the time because your are making a bad call. I have had many psycologists tell me that Michael and I will not be able to focus on our marital problems until he first deals with his addiction problems, and then his health problems. He has been drinking, or on drugs, or sick, since the day we got married. It's been 7 years. SEVEN LONG YEARS. I can't wait until it's the right time for him. Once he's working, once he's feeling better, once the holidays are over.

No. I have to act when it's time for me. When I'm ready. I don't want to wait any longer, I have waited long enough. I should not have to wait another day.

I should not have to wait any longer to be the best part of someones day.
I should not have to wait any longer to be treated with respect.
I should not have to wait any longer for a partner- not just someone I'm married to.
I should not have to wait any longer to feel filled.
I should not have to wait any longer to be happy.

I'm ready. It's time to jump.

Waiting

Meditation For The Day

There is a proper time for everything. I must learn not to do things at the wrong time, that is, before I am ready or before conditions are right. It is always a temptation to do something at once, instead of waiting until the proper time. Timing is important. I must learn, in the little daily situations of life, to delay action until I am sure that I am doing the right thing at the right time. So many lives lack balance and timing. In the momentous decisions and crises of life, they may ask God's guidance, but into the small situations of life, they rush alone.

Prayer For The Day

I pray that I may delay action until I feel that I am doing the right thing. I pray that I may not rush in alone.

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Am I ready to end the life I know and venture into a life unknown?

Soon.