Understanding Myself- the old blog 9/05 thru 11/06

It's that's moving up- then I'm....

2006-11-19T12:54:00.000-08:00

MOVIN OUT!!!

I have moved to a new blog. I feel like this one is not really serving the purpose it once did and I know I'm linked to an Recovery Search Engine. I will leave this one up and please feel free to comment to the archives or ask me any questions. I am happy to talk to anyone who wants to talk program with me- because I truly feel that it saved me.

For those of you who just want to keep up with my crazy musings, I'm here.

You'll figure it out.

Ciao Baby!!!

My birthday...

2006-11-13T19:55:00.001-08:00

So I'm 35. Thirty five.

Thirty five feels older than 34 did. I never felt like, "I'm getting old" before- not in any real sense. Birthdays would come and go and I'd still feel like I was still young. I don't feel so young anymore. I see people who I see as 'older'- and am a year or two older than they are.

But there are some things I have learned about myself that makes my age worth it I guess. I think I come equipped with some life wisdom. Just because my life is sometimes still a mess, it doesn't mean that I don't know a thing or two. So at least I am not a 'stupid' 35- contrary to popular belief. I think I still give off the persona that I am looking for answers. I'm not. I don't want the answers anymore. People rarely learn from the mistakes of others. And many people make the same mistakes. It's just the way life is.

My husband and I seem to be getting along pretty well these days. His distance makes all the difference in the world. Just seeing him evey few weeks, I find him funny and charming and even kinda cute. It's good for the boys to see us get along. It's also important for us too. I don't want to feel that I wasted these last 7 years. I think I heard Dr. Phil say once that if you split up and you can't even have a conversation, that you still have so much unfinished business together. We don't have any unfinished business. Just children, but that's not business, that's family. And I'd like to think that we will always be somewhat of a family.

For my birthday I went out and had some drinks with some friends from work. That was a fun evening, complete with me drunk and disrobing... don't ask. On Sunday I went out to dinner with my siblings who I also share a birthday weekend with and my brother Rick, who is home from Iraq. That was really the best thing that could have happened for my birthday. To have him home safe and back with the ones he loves- that is what matters. That's family.

Welcome home, Rick.

50,000 words.....

2006-11-07T23:42:00.000-08:00

My dear and best friend is doing this thing for National Novel Writing Month where you crank out 50,000 words in 30 days. It doesn't have to be GOOD- or gramatically correct, but the idea, I guess is that once you put 50,000 words down, well- you've done SOMETHING that you may have not completed or even strived for. He mentioned it to me about 3 days ago. He sent me the web link 2 days ago and it's been milling in my inbox. Sitting and freaking me out, much like the dead bug in the kitchen. The must have come in and treated my house bugs, cause I keep finding these fuckers- on thier back- just in the middle of nowhere- struggling to flip over or something. So I spray them with bug cleaner and give them some time to die. Usually forgetting they are there and 30 minutes later, I go back and it scared the hell out of me that I have a dead bug in the middle of the floor. Oh right- THAT. These are the things having a husband was good for.

Anyway- 50K words. If I started TOMORROW- I'd have 22 days and that's 2300 words a day. My last essay was 1800. I could write 2300 words in a day. But every day for 22 days? Oh I don't know. It would feel good. It would feel fucking great really- to have something to focus on, somewhere to place my mental energy. I wish I had known about it sooner, but then I would have simply mulled over it and talked myself out of it for reasons other than the missing 8 days. Well I have until tomorrow to think about it.

What would I write about. Lately I've been writing a lot of personal stuff, stuff I don't share with those I know and love. But this is a fiction thing. It's not a contest really, other than being acknowledged as someone who finished it. It seems like about 15% of the people who sign up actually finish- so even if I didn't finish, it would still be something.

The postitive is that I was thinking about giving up sex for a month. Parter and solo. All of it. I was thinking that perhaps it would clear my head- help me focus more. Keep me away from men, and all the shit that screws with my head. Those of you who know me should probably stop laughing so people think you are working, or at least keep it down so you don't wake up the kids. Yes, I was thinking of giving up sex. Not just sex, but the things, and people that keep sex on my brain. Focus on me and school and the kids and taking care of my house and going on complete hiatus from men and the whole god forsaken scenario. But like choclate or sugary cereal, as soon as I can't have it- I crave it. It goes on sale and everyone is offering me some.

But I admit, I have been stuck. Feeling emotionally drained, apathetic and disconnected. From school, my kids, my job- everything. I thought I should channel some energy and perhaps I would feel better. Of course I am dozing off sitting here at the computer. My energy is channeling just fine and I bore MYSELF.... but if I DID decide to do this, then I could give up the crazy no-sex option. Really, it's a stupid idea and I'd cave.

Anyway- I wanted to finish a blog post- I have 4 of them saved as drafts, unfinished. I can't complete a blog post lately- 50,000 words in 22 days. I think it might be easier to give up the sex.

Some pics of me and the boys

2006-11-03T14:40:00.000-08:00

We were having fun being silly with the camera!!!
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!!!!

I can only disappoint ONE person every day- and today is YOUR lucky day!!!

2006-10-27T20:18:00.000-07:00

I have been emailing links to The Panda Cam all week. It's just so darn cute. I didn't think I gave a damn about the Panda's or at least why it was world news, but you know, I find myself spending a lot of time watching that baby and mama.

So I have been just fried lately. Feeling overwhelmed and apathetic and like I just can't keep up with my life, not cause I'm so busy and SO important, but just cause I don't have the mental energy to give everything enough attention, so I'm not giving ANYTHING enough attention. I have been absent from my friends, subpar in my work, barely dedicated to my education. I feel like all the balls are going to hit the floor soon. I need to give myself some breathing room- and allow myself the opportunity to do A FEW THINGS right, instead of doing EVERYTHING wrong. One day last week I told my boss, "You know- I just don't think I can disappoint anyone else today- so you are going to have to give me break."

I've decided to make some changes in how I manage my time- and I think it will help me feel less overwhelmed. It's hard to back off of my commitments- even if it's just a few of them. I feel like I am failing. Like I couldn't cut it- and that people are going to say, "well, good for you for knowing what's best" but then be THINKING "I KNEW she would break under all this pressure."

I guess it's my time to lose it. I've been asking for quite some time now, when is it going to be ok for me to fall apart, when is it MY turn for the emotional breakdown? Apparently, the time has come.

Bring on the booze,
and the hot 21 year olds....
Mama's havin a meltdown.....

Hands off.

2006-10-24T19:40:00.000-07:00

This morning I was listening to Marianne Williamson on Oprah and Friends. I have read some of her books. She is very inspiring. And she was talking to Wayne Dyer , who I am not familiar with, but he is another spiritual guru of sorts. They talked about forgiveness and the situation with the school shooting in that Amish community. How the families of the victims embraced that family of the gunman and how that truly is a sense of wholeness when you can forgive such things. He spoke as a recovered addict, and having had worked with addicts as well. That always catches my attention because I have a lot of respect for those who can survive the ultimate hell that is addiction. To me, these people are fighters and have just as much strength and courage to fight as those who battle other diseases.

They spoke about being in dark places, and simply feeling that. Being IN that dark place and not grasping. Not fighting the situation, and just accepting it. Being there and not struggling to escape it. He spoke of one the core concepts in AA- which is Let Go and Let God. Before I had a higher power, I struggled with this- because my questions was "Let God do WHAT?"

He also said something that seems so simplistic, but I'm sure very true for those that live it. That the only problem we truly have is being disconnected from our higher power. (He said God) I thought about that on my drive to work- and asked myself the question I have asked time and time again.

Who is your higher power today, Julie?

Pastor Ed told me that your higher power is whatever you spend the most time thinking about. Which is a pretty scary thought, but really, whatever that is, is what drives you. What motivates you and what dictates a lot of what you do. Regardless how good or bad it is, it is what it is. And I have learned that to Let Go and Let God means, let go of whatever it is that I can't handle, and let my higher power do it for me. Now if I am going to do that- I better have a higher power that is not self destructive. I better not put all my eggs into a basket with a hole in the bottom.

On to my point....
This evening I found myself wrapped up and feeling like I was trapped. I had information, and with this information I created fear that I was going to be faced with a situation that I would not handle the way I should handle it, assuming that I was called to handle it.

So stressed out and panicked, I made a phone call to a trusted friend... who listened and then said, "I am trying to figure out exactly HOW this is your problem?" Laugh laugh laugh... but she was right.

I later called my Al-Anon friend- and as I was telling her the story, in a little more detail cause that's what we girls d0- it came clear to me that I had information that I LOOKED FOR. Nobody offered it to me. I was afraid of receiving a phone call to deal with a situation that I was not even included in- and worrying about poorly handling a decision I was not even being called on to make.

Christine calls this borrowing trouble. I think mine is on lease with an option to buy. Either that or it's purchased with a no return policy. Either way. I realize that this situation is not my problem. The information I have, does nothing. It does not change anything for me. If I had it or not, the way I should behave does not change. And really- nobody has asked me to do anything. What the hell am I getting so worked up about???

So I have to let it go. The information, the problem, the phone call, the dilemma. Let it go. It's not on my plate. It's not my problem, and if it becomes my problem it's because I accept it to take on. I have choices today and after much fret and debate I am choosing to let it go. I will deal with a decision when one is needed from me, until then. Hands off.

That's the beauty of detachment. It allows me to do nothing, if I am not required to do anything. It gives me the permission to keep my head where my feet are and not worry about what is going on over there. It tells me that I SHOULD mind my own business and let other people deal with thier own lives and thier own consequences. I know that I am very grateful when people give me the dignity to live my own life, not matter how much they think I am screwing things up. I am not abandoning anyone, I am allowing someone else the freedom to make mistakes.... wow- I could talk this out until I break out in fucking song.....

But you know what I mean....

This is the freedom from the bondage of self.

Man, I love this Program.

Comfort in chaos...

2006-10-23T07:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I asked why I was so unhappy, and not too long after, I figured it out.

My husband came over last night to spend some time with the boys. He had been at his sisters over the weekend and came by last night so I could study and he was going to give the boys dinner, a bath and get them in bed. It was unclear if he was going to sleep in thier room or if he was going to go back to his sisters but it made no difference to me.

The boys however, decided to morph into demon spawns and were just impossible all day. In retrospect I should have taken a break from studying mid day and taken them to the park or something to blow off steam- but you know, mom's got a midterm this week... Anyway, by the time husband showed up- I was on my last nerve and the boys were also frustrated and hard to deal with. In the end, he was frustrated with them as well. He and I were yelling at each other. The kids were angry about being put to bed.

And I felt...

strangely...

settled.

I went to bed before I even asked if he was staying overnight with the boys- and I slept, SOUNDLY, for the first time since he left. And I didn't wake up once until the alarm went off this morning.

For so many years I have been living with so much chaos and hostility that I am used to it. I know how to live in this battle zone. I can hear the voices of my friends telling me what I already know.... unhealthy. destructive. codependent. sick sick sick.

I know.

But this is why I am unhappy, because I am out of my comfort zone. It's not up to anyone to define my comfort zone. This is what I know. Disappointment, turmoil, hostility and anger is what I am used to. Eventually I will find comfort in the things that are supposed to comfort me, but until then- I have no choice but to keep following the idea that things will get better in time. Because I can't slip backwards to that life of chaos- because it's the life I am trying to escape and I can't forget that.

Again, doing the right thing, rarely feels as good as it should.

Step One....

2006-10-22T09:15:00.000-07:00

It went to a meeting yesterday- the first in a long time. I said that I would, as soon as Michael moved out. I really needed it. The comfort I received walking in the room. The understanding and love in my Saturday group is better than any other meeting I've ever been to. I closed my eyes and listened to the opening readings- letting the words stick to my heart and willing them to perfuse into my blood stream.

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.

I have admitted my powerlessness over alcohol. And over most things. I have control issues, of course, but I realize that I cannot control other people. I cannot fight someone elses demons and I cannot force anyone to think, act or feel a certain way.

Is my life unmanageable? In some ways, not so much. What other people have seen as crazy and unheard of in my life- was simply my way of coping. I am sure that I could have thrown my husband out long ago- not given him time and not allowed him to take advantage of me for a few more months. But I didn't do it for him as much as I did it for me. Today, I can live with my decision. A few months ago, I don't think I could have. Oddly, there IS a method to my madness- and I think for me, it's all about the BIG PICTURE. Making myself happy right now sounds great, and usually feels great- but I think it takes greater sacrifice to be happy in the long run. So I can suffer a little in the short term, if I truly believe there will be less emotional consequences in the long term.

But back to my original question. Is my life unmanageable? It must be, because now that I have got what I wanted, I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of me. Nothing FEELS important to me right now. I seem to care less and less about the goals that I had. Going to school has lost it's charm. For all I try to do to kick start my motivation, it's just not there. I don't care. Some days I just want to quit- and why? So I can get more sleep. So I have LESS to do. Because I just don't care right now.

Of course, I won't quit. Of course I will keep moving forward and just finish what I started. I'm so close. Next semester I will be a senior in college. I will be applying for graduate school. I will have my masters degree before my 40th birthday. 6 months ago that was the biggest thing I could imagine for myself. Today I am just wondering if it will be worth the extra $20K it is going to cost me.

I have an overwhelming urge to bail. To get in my car and drive and drive until I end up in a new life. I'm restless and I'm exhausted. I know that I am not pleasant to be around. Is this depression? Anxiety? A mid life crisis? I don't know. I feel that I am in a constant state of PMS and even if people want to be around me, I am convinced that they don't.

Going back and forth with what I think I'm feeling- I can't pinpoint exactly what. It's like dropping a bag of marbles on the floor- they scatter and roll in every direction. My life has a lot of promise right now. And yet, it is still unmanageable because I have no appreciation for it.

I am on the verge of everything good.

Why am I so unhappy?

Don't you remember the day, that you went away and left me?

2006-10-14T21:13:00.000-07:00

Wasted Days and Wasted Nights
I have left, for you, behind.
Cause you don't belong to me.
Your heart belongs
to someone else.

Why should I keep loving you,
When I know that you're not true?
And why should I call your name
When you're to blame
For making me blue....

====

Freddy Fender died. My dad loved him. He used to sing this song, and "I'll be there before the next teardrop falls."- which still makes me cry whenever I hear it because I think it was his favorite.

600 calories of dinosaur shaped snacks

2006-10-12T00:47:00.000-07:00

I decided to get involved at school. I was sitting in the Health Care Administration Student Forum, with the other people in my academic program. I have had one class with almost everyone in that room. These are my academic peers- and I don't even know most of thier names. I am the last one in to class, and usually out the door without talking to anyone.

I was hoping to go to college, get good grades, get my degree and get out. Keep my head down and my mouth shut, don't get involved. I am too old to benefit from the college experience. And while I believe that it many ways that is true- I realized that I am denying myself good opportunity by not getting involved. So perhaps I will join the Student Forum next week. Maybe volunteer for some of the charity stuff that they are doing. I joined the Leadership Academy tonight, which seems to be a series of 'training/enrichment" seminars that will help you in your career. I signed up for 4 of the 8 seminars I need to take to complete the whole thing. It will look good on my Graduate School application and the seminars are things like "Creating Vision" and "Multiculturalism" and stuff like that so I'm sure I will learn. Also I get to wear some fancy thing at Graduation. And I like fancy things.

So I am trying to be positive about it and not change my mind. I feel a wreck tonight however. I just ate a box of fruit snacks. It's the only thing sweet in the house. A whole box. That's like 60 fruit snacks. That's way too many fruit snacks!! And for all I was hoping it would do to me, with my "Eat til it stops hurting" philosophy- it really only made me feel kinda sick.

Conversation with fear.

2006-10-10T10:10:00.000-07:00

I was reading my daily OM this morning and it talked about Fear and that fear is there for a reason, it tells us that we are on the edge of our comfort level. And then it says something about conversing with fear for a greater understanding of the changes. Talk to the fear. I wonder what my fear looks like? I see her as a child. Me as a child. How would that conversation go?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Hello Fear. We are going to take a walk.
Where are we going?
Someplace new.
Do we have to go?
Yes.
Why?
Because we can't stay here any longer. It's not safe here.
How do you know it's safe there where we are going?
I don't.
Well then why do we have to go?
Because I know that it's not safe here.
I can't.
We have to.
I don't want to.
You have to trust me.
Trust YOU? Why should we trust you? All of your best efforts have gotten us here. To this place that is not safe. Why should we trust you??
Because I am the lesser of the two evils.
What if we get lonely?
We probably will.
What if we need help?
We probably will.
What if we get our heart broken?
We might.
So give me a better reason why we have to go there?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

She makes a compelling argument. My "inner child" has always been kind of a whiny little bitch.

Think of a man, then remove all reason and accountablity.

2006-10-08T15:00:00.000-07:00

Sometime I just can't help how I feel. No matter how much logic I apply to the situation, I can't help but just feel my feelings. Today is kind of like a wave and I can't seem to swim, or walk towards shore.

My husband, having been in the hopspital all last week and not packed, ready to move out, as discussed, agreed and promised- came home from on Saturday, went straight to bed and didn't get up again until this morning. His parents showed up to pick him up and he threw a few boxes of clothes together and grabbed his medications. Leaving everything else. He said good bye to the boys and to me he said, "See ya"- without even looking at me. I know I can't exactly be his best friend or anything- I mean, when I was bringing him clothes to the hospital, buying his cigarettes, and giving him money- well aint she sweet... but now, I guess that's over and I should not expect any niceties.

His mother barely spoke to me and his father did not even say hello. I don't know if they are angry at me, or just at the situation. I gues they have to take sides. Either way- it's always great to feel like a wretched bitch- and he played his card perfectly by sinking into his depression just in time. I can set my watch by it. So now he looks like the sick victim, and I look like a bitch. It was hard to see him say good bye to the boys- Gabe seemed to know that something was happening. He cried as soon as he left. I've been crying all day. I'm not even sure why.

I think I will feel a little better tomorrow, or maybe the day after that....

Today I feel kind of lousy. Guilty-lousy. Angry-lousy. I think after all the time we've spent together. All the chances I gave him, all the leeway, after everything that son of a bitch put me through- I think he should have had the decency to leave with some dignity. He has no right to carry on that way, like he is being thrown out onto the streets. Don't limp away, groaning with every step (apparently he was in some sort of pain) as if I had just finished beating him with a shovel. Don't be such a goddamn pussy about it. You screwed this up. You destroyed this family, this marriage and this woman so don't walk outa here like you were the victim, cause I DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR YOU!!!!! Now take off your dress, strap on a pair and BE A FUCKING MAN FOR A CHANGE!!!

Hm, I feel a little better already.....

The trouble with detachment

2006-09-26T23:30:00.000-07:00

The trouble with the idea of detachment is that you let go of what is not yours to control. If you have having issues with someone behavior, the most you can do is voice your thoughts or needs- and then allow the other person the dignity to make thier own decision as to what thier next action will be. Detach from the situation because it is no longer yours to deal with. Did I lose you?? Sometimes I lose ME in that scenario.

So if someone has said or is behaving in a way that I find unacceptable- I can only control my response to it. So I say, "hey that's not cool and I don't want to be around this." and then I walk. I stap back, I leave the situation alone because I cannot CONTROL the actions of the other person- I can only control my own. So I detach with love, or in some cases with hate, but either way- I detach. I let go of the results and my side of the 'street' is clean because I have not manipulated, lied or tricked to get my way. I simply tie my message to the balloon and let it go.

The problem with letting go of the control, is just that. I NO LONGER HAVE CONTROL. I find it hard to leave the results up to someone else because then there is a greater chance that they will not be the results that I want. If I still retain a sense of control, I do not have as much fear. Fear is what we go through when we don't have control. And I am not good at relinquishing control. All these years in Al-Anon and I still can't get that 'detach and let go of the results' thing down. It's not in my blood.

Damn I'm tired. I need to put my misery away for one day and see how tomorrow turns out.

Nails in the fence

2006-09-26T07:03:00.000-07:00

Daily OM Horoscope

You may feel vulnerable today and at the mercy of all who might criticize your actions or choices. An offhand and thoughtless comment made by a colleague, relative, or friend can injure you to the core if you feel overly sensitive. This susceptibility can leave you feeling exposed and prone to emotional outbursts. Yet you may be able to curb your sensitivity by remembering that you likely have little control over how people in your personal and professional spheres interpret the world. What one person deems irrational may seem quite logical to another. Should you find yourself feeling hurt by denigration today, remind yourself that the judgment was in all likelihood not intended to cause you pain and then simply move on with your life.
============

Simply move on with my life. Sounds so easy. Last night in class our teacher told that story about the father who wanted to teach his son a lesson about saying mean and cutting remarks and had him hammer a nail into the fence every time he made a comment like that. And then once he stopped making those comments, he removed a nail for every day he didn't make those kinds of comments and then once all the nails were removed, they analyzed the fence and noticed all the holes, and how you can remove the "nail" (I'm sorry. ect), but the holes are still there.

Today I kind of feel like I'm filled with holes. I can move on with my life. Get rid of everything that isn't working in my life (Doesn't leave much) and move forward, but the holes are still there. I will surely carry fears from this relationship into the next one. I will certainly have my guard up and be sensitive about certain things- I see that happening already. As friendships fade in and out- my constant questions is "What did I do wrong? and How can I fix it?" All my experienced, 12 step-ed, psychologist visited, adviced out the wazoo, and every book ever read intelligence tells me that everything is not my fault, and other peoples problems or issues are not my fault and that sometimes relationships take turns and that is not always MY FAULT. And while I acknowledge it- and believe it- and some days I RELY on it- there is still that nagging voice that says, "what did you do now?" when something goes wrong.

The only way I can keep myself away from that kind of destructive behavior is to walk away from it. Not get resentful, not continue to tear myself down and take the blame, but to just walk away, or at least step back. If nothing else, it keeps me from having to put any nails in the fence.

Gratitude

2006-09-24T23:07:00.000-07:00

When I took this picture, I didn't realize that he was peeing...

But this brings me to something I've very grateful for today. Gabriel is finally potty trained!!! Overnight, in the car, and at restaurants.

Hurray for Underpants!!!!!

It's the simple things that give me the most joy lately....

Everybody's had to fight to be free.

2006-09-23T21:10:00.000-07:00

"Somewhere, somehow somebody
Must have kicked you around some
Tell me why you wanna lay there
And revel in your abandon
Listen it don't make no difference to me baby
Everybody's had to fight to be free"

Today was a pretty good day by most accounts. My husband and I seem to be 'wrapping things up'. He's putting things into boxes, downsizing his belongings. Deciding what will stay for a while, and what he will take with him. Part of me still doesn't believe it's actually happening. Part of me is still expecting for something to come up and he won't be able to leave. The actual moving of the things has been pushed back a few days, even thought HE won't physically be here. He's going back into the hospital the week after next to get "fitted" for his insulin pump, which we are really glad about.

He is really glad about.

I am not supposed to give a damn.

But I admit. I do.
I hope that this helps him.
I hope he starts being compliant.
I hope he doesn't die within a few years, because that is where he's headed if he doesn't get serious RIGHT NOW.
He has spent a lot of time the last few days with the boys- and they are loving it, spending the time with thier dad. Sometimes I look over and watch them playing and I feel sad that it has to be this way.
But it does.

In the long run, it's better for everyone. Maybe this is why people leave in such a hurry. Because there is less time to look back and change your mind. I've given myself a lot of time to make this decision and I changed my mind a few times. I didn't rush or make the decision based on one bad fight or one bad incidence. This went wrong on almost every level and even then, we still tried to salvage what we could. I was explaining to my brother today that I am doing this my way, in my time- and in a way that will make me hate myself the least. While I have some guilt, I have no doubt that this is the right decision to make. And I am certain that I won't look back or regret it. Because I didn't rush in to it, or, out of it. I didn't walk away without thinking it through. Believe me, I've thought it through. I've spent years thinking it through, and I can say with 100% certainty, I did the absolute best I could, with what I had to make this marriage livable. And it simply isn't anymore. I struggled for a while, and kept it together- made the best of the good times etc., but eventually it became less and less workable. The good times were so few and far between and they didn't make up for the bad times. It's all about the bad times. And I know now that this is no way to live my life.

Nobody pointed it out to me. Nobody pushed me, or forced me. I did it on my own in my own time. And there has been a price to pay for it- but I think I will be able to live with myself, knowing that I feel I did what I thought was right.

Old habits

2006-09-18T22:48:00.000-07:00

Michael was discharged from the hospital tonight and he dropped off his perscriptions and picked up the boys and I came home and was studying before class. So I was going to pick up his perscriptions before I went to class and I realized that I was late. He asked me, 'do you have time to pick up the perscriptions?'- and I knew that I didnt. I knew that it would make me late for class- and therefore late for my quiz which I do NOT get extra time for.

So I said, "yeah I think so." and I got in the car and left. As I am halfway to the pharmacy I realize that I will NOT be on time, and I knew I would not be on time- and why did I agree to do this. He has a car- he could pick them up?!?!? And I was kicking myself, because I put HIS needs in front of mine. He didn't even ASK me or guilt me into doing this. He asked if I had time, and with that- I volunteered to be late to class and possibly miss my quiz. He didn't even ask me to do this RIGHT NOW, he just asked if I would have time. Had I said no, he probably would have put the kids in the car and done it. But no, I decided that I can do it- because apparently I coddle him without provocation and refuse to put my goals in thier proper place.

You know, at least I recognize it- and perhaps I will be not be so quick to put his needs before my own.

Allowing others to be

2006-09-17T08:05:00.000-07:00

From Daily OM- June 2006
Controlling Behavior

We all know what it's like to want to be in control. In some ways, exerting control is an important survival skill. For example, we have every right to be in control of our own bodies and our own lives. Taking control in these cases is empowering and necessary. Controlling behavior in the negative sense comes from a tendency to reach beyond our own boundaries and into the lives of others. Many people do this with the rationalization that they are helping.

Controlling behavior generally goes hand in hand with an unwillingness to be direct about what you want, as well as an inability to let go and let people live their own lives.

It is hard sometimes to allow others to be who they are, especially if we feel we know what's best for them and we see them making choices we wouldn't make. However, if we are to be respectful and truly loving, we have to let people go, trusting that they will find their own way in their own time and understanding that it is their life to live. Just reminding yourself that the only life you have to live is your own is the first step to letting go.

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Daily Meditation

2006-09-15T11:10:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I am amazed at how just what I need to hear comes into my inbox...

September 15, 2006
Walking Through
When Doors Open When a door opens, walk through it. Trust that the door has opened for a reason and you have been guided to it. Sometimes we have a tendency to overanalyze or agonize over the decision, but it is quicker to simply go through the door and discover what's there as that's the only way to know. Even if it doesn't seem right at first, opening this door may lead to another door that will take us where we need to go.

Doors open when the time is right for us to enter a new space, metaphorically speaking, and we can have faith that walking through is the right thing to do. Sometimes we linger in the threshold because we are afraid of leaving our old life for a life we know nothing about. We may have voices inside of our heads that try to hold us back or people in our lives saying discouraging things. These voices, internal and external, are known as threshold spirits, and they express all the fears and doubts that arise at the beginning of a new life. Nevertheless, none of these voices can hold us back, and they will fall silent as soon as we cross the threshold.

There are many doors that open in the course of our lives, leading us into new relationships, jobs, friendships, and creative inspirations. Our lives up to this point are the result of all the doors we have walked through, and our continued growth depends on our willingness to keep moving into new spaces. Every time we walk through an open door, we create a sense memory that encourages us to move into the new fearlessly. When we enter the new space, we almost always feel a thrill and a new feeling of confidence, in ourselves and in the universe. We have stepped across the threshold into a new life.

Helping vs. Enabling. You vs. Me.

2006-09-14T07:27:00.000-07:00

I am not going to lead into this with all the explanations, because it only brings me more questions that I don't have answers to. But the bottom line is this- my husband has no idea where he will be living in 2 weeks.

What in the world of FUCK happens now.

I can hear the voices of my well meaning friends, saying, "It's not your problem." "Let him sink." "Let him suffer." And part of me also realizes that they are true and accurate and not BAD advice. However. How do I do that??

This is where my struggle is today. One thing that I admit is that I have always had trouble with boundaries. With Michael, and really with a lot of people. I rarely put my foot down and say, "You can't treat me like this." My reaction is always to figure out why I had it coming and respond accordingly. If I feel I am being treated badly, I have a hard time pointing it out. It's an issue that I have. Perhaps that is the byproduct of being the youngest- having parents that were hot and cold emotionally- absent/dead father figures etc. Who the hell knows?? But somewhere along the lines, I adopted the thought pattern that if someone is treating me bad, I probably did something to deserve it. And besides, I'm strong and I can handle whatever comes my way- right??

So what is coming my way is the fact that I have set a boundary- and have simply been praying that I would not have to follow through with the consequences that I have set up.

I WANT to help him.
I WANT to make sure he is ok.
I WANT him to get better.
I WANT him to live.

But I also know that I can't. I can't help him anymore. It's time for him to grow up and pay some consequesnces. But how do I live with them? My mother is very hesitant to support my decision to throw him out. She went through this similar scenario. She left my dad- he was sick. He died. She felt guilt. Not that she killed him. But that she left him when he was sick. That she didn't help him. That he died alone. A L O N E. He had family too- but in the end, he died in the hospital- without anyone even in the waiting room for him to get out of surgery.

A
L
O
N
E

And she does not want me to have to live with the guilt that she went through. The guilt that I'm sure we kids unknowingly put upon her. And honestly, I don't want to live with that guilt either. I know that I will get past it. I will work through whatever guilty feelings I may have about what transpires over the next months. But I will still have to get past them.
Turning my back on him when it is clearly within my power to help, is something that I simply don't know how to do. I am terrified that he is going to kill himself. That he is going to get sick and die alone. That he is going to go back to drug, drinking, whatever. I am terrified that it truly CAN and will get worse. And all I had to do to stop it was just keep things as they are.

I know- I know. I FUCKING KNOW!! I can't do that. I can't live like this. I can't put my kids through this. It's not fair to them. It's not fair to these little boys to sit back and watch thier father give up. I know that forcing him out is the right thing to do. It's what we all need. And really, it's what I want. But fuck- when has it EVER been about what I want.

With all the resentment I can stand, I have proclaimed for years, "It's all about Michael! Everything is about Michael- I should have it tatooed on my freaking forehead." But you know- it IS. It always has been. It's never been about what I want or what I need. And I know that it's time that I change that. I need to. and I have to. But I know that I can only save one of us. If I let him go, I save myself and I save my kids too. If I continue to protect him, me and the kids drown.

I don't have the right to do that. I don't have the right to choose his life over thiers.
Hmmm.
I guess it's not him or me.
It's him or them.
I think that's a decision I can live with.

Compelled to Intervene

2006-09-13T22:48:00.000-07:00

Watching a loved one or a peer traverse a path littered with stumbling blocks can be immensely painful. We instinctively want to guide them toward a safer track and share with them the wisdom we have acquired through experience. Yet all human beings have the right to carve their own paths without being unduly influenced by outside interference. To deny them that right is to deny them enlightenment, as true insight cannot be conveyed in lectures. Rather, each individual must earn independence and illumination by making decisions and reflecting upon the consequences of each choice. In allowing others to walk their paths freely, you honor their right to express their humanity in whatever way they see fit. Though you may not agree with or identify with their choices, understand that each person must learn in their own way and at their own pace.

The events and circumstances that shape our lives are unique because each of us is unique. What touches one person deeply may do nothing more than irritate or confound another. Therefore, each of us is drawn to different paths-the paths that will have the most profound effects on our personal evolution. If you feel compelled to intervene when watching another human being make their way slowly and painfully down a difficult path, try to empathize with their need to grow autonomous and make their own way in the world. Should this person ask for your aid, give it freely. You can even tell them about your path or offer advice in a conscious loving way. Otherwise, give them the space they need to make their own mistakes, to enjoy the fruits of their labors, to revel in their triumphs, and to discover their own truths.

The temptation to direct the paths of others is a creature of many origins. Overactive egos can convince us that ours is the one true path or awaken a craving for control within us. But each person is entitled to seek out their path leading from the darkness into the light. When we celebrate those paths and encourage the people navigating them, we not only enjoy the privilege of watching others grow-we also reinforce our dedication to diversity, independence, and individuality.

2006-09-11T19:48:00.000-07:00

Serenity, Courage, Wisdom

2006-09-10T17:08:00.000-07:00

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
and Wisdom to know the difference.

I read this prayer so often that I don't even pay attention to it anymore. I think in the beginning of my program, this prayer was all I could hold on to, and maybe not even all of it. Accept the things I cannot change... This is always a struggle for me. I was so convinced that with the right amount of nagging, begging, or even LOVE, I could plant seeds of change.

Accepting that I am no real use to him when he was in trouble has always been a struggle for me. After 10 some odd years together, very little has changed. I am still no real use to him when he's in trouble, and I still struggle with that.

Serenenity is the Courage to let go of what is not mine to handle. It seems so simple. Not my problem. Not my business. But in reality- it's not so simple for me. Today as I was dropping the kids off with my mom- she commented on how if he doesn't have anyplace to go, then he's my responsibility again. I said, "no- he's not." and as I headed for the door she reminded me, "He's YOUR husband. You married him. It is your responsibility."

Part of me wonders why I listen to that shit. Why I let her voice penetrate my logic. Because I DO feel that it somewhat IS my responsibility as his wife to be concerned for his well being. I guess I am not looking to IGNORE that responsibility, as much as I am looking for someone (and it would be nice if it were HIM) to take ON that responsibility for me. I realize as I'm typing it- all the problems with what I am saying and what I am thinking. This is against everything that I've learned in program. This is NOT my responsiblity- because we all have a responsibility for ourselves. He is not a child- he's a grown man. But he is also VERY sick. Physically and mentally he is very ill and he can't make decisions like a rational human being, because he just isn't rational.

I am not changing my mind. I know that I need to walk away from this to save my own life and that of the boys. His condition is very narcissistic and I need to be selfish for all of our sake. I will get over any guilt I am feeling, and I am hoping that in the end, I will know I've done the right thing. But today when he cried on my shoulder out of frustration, anger, pain and just sheer exhaustion it seems hard to see that end.

Doing the right thing isn't always easy, and it rarely feels as good as it should. Doing the wrong thing tends to obsolve us of guilt and give us some sort of pleasure. Doing the right thing can talk a lot of energy, it doesn't always offer instant gratification, and sometimes it rips your heart out. So simply based on how this feels, I guess I couldn't be any more right in walking away.

How NOT to Ruin Your Life

2006-09-05T19:09:00.000-07:00

I came across an article in Yahoo! Finance called How Not to Ruin Your Life. I didn't read the article, but the headline immediately envoked a response in me. "Yeah, if I only had an ARTICLE to tell me what not to do."

Would I have read it anyway? I spent most of my formative years reading magazines and watching my older siblings and watching TV shows and movies that were probably too 'mature' for me. I am not sure if what I retained from it helped me: A crazy boy will burn your house down if he loves you enough. Don't step on the fish that look like a rock. "Doin it for Johnny" will get you shot in the streets. I certainly didn't listen to my mother, at least not enough- and I didn't heed warnings from Dear Abby, or even Tween 12 and 20. Then again I don't remember if any of it really addressed many of what I've gone through.

How would I have not ruined my life?? Maybe I would have not dated my first husband. I hired him for God's sake. Then I dated him (first mistake), got pregnant (three months later), married him- and divorced him. hmmmm.

Maybe I would have stayed single longer, even though I am not good single. Left to my own devices, I'm dangerous. I admit it. I'm more independent when I'm IN a relatively secure relationship than when I'm single. It's one of my less attractive traits.

Maybe I would have not been so silent for so long about my husbands drinking. Maybe I would have gotten help for myself. Maybe I would have walked before I even found out about the drinking. I had enough red flags, even before the drinking became obvious. Maybe I would have postponed the wedding when I had doubts about his drinking. Maybe I would have left when I figured out what it meant to be an alcoholic. Maybe I would have left after the first year, or the second. Maybe I would not have gotten off the pill. Maybe I would not have had the third child. maybe maybe maybe....

Looking at my life now- yes, I've gone through a lot of crap. But you know, maybe I'm a better person for it. Maybe I'm not so cocky. Maybe I have more respect for people who struggle with thier marriage. Maybe I have a different respect for myself. Perhaps I just realize that I can't change the bad without taking away the good. And while there has not been a LOT of good- there has been enough. It's too late to turn back now, and it's foolish to think of what might have been. I'll bet that it could have been worse, it really could have.

I guess my life isn't ruined really. Just a bit twisted. And really, there is only one mistake that I would change if I could. Just one.

I'd have taken better care of my teeth.

Mama said there'd be days like this....

2006-09-02T09:33:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if I'm the cat or the dog.

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Last night on my way home from Karaoke with my friends, I realized that my old patterns are coming back. I have again, fallen in to the old patterns of giving too much of myself and not getting the same back in return, and then feeling pushed aside or slighted for it. I found myself in tears, feeling rejected and lonely. I am not sure how valid these feelings really are. I am not good at holding back my feelings. I'm not very good at rejection in any form and I'm not the kind of person to play the game and pretend I don't care, when I do. I'm absolutely transparent that way. So my friends are looking at me, I suppose, thinking, what the hell is the matter with you? And the truth is, I don't know. Do I having unrealistic expectations? Am I demanding and irrational? Am I behaving like a spoiled child?

And why?

I feel so unsettled and stressed. I have a daily headache. I am consistently anxious, despite my medications to keep from being that way. Perhaps it's because the clock is ticking, I am determined to keep my boundaries regarding my husband moving out and I'm practically getting hives from the prospect of having to enforce them. My life is on the verge of changing. I have a clear cut opportunity to have a better life- and I think I'm scared to death. I'm leaving the present plan of "a miserable life" behind. And replacing it with a clean slate. Possibilities Unknown. Opportunities Unknown. I always assumed that the demon I know is better than the demon I don't know- that is how I have played it safe for so long. But I know that is so illogical in this case- but I'm scared anyway.

I know that I'm supposed to make MYSELF happy first. I know that I have to address the emotional issues that trapped me in this so-called-life. But I feel insecure and vulnerable, and when I feel that way- I fight back. I don't know if I'm the kitten fighting the big dog, or the big dog attacking the kitten. And who am I fighting with anyway??

Last night on my way home, I was tempted to stop at a local motel and check in. Turn off my phone and hide. Instead I came home and got a decent nights sleep. And this morning, in the light of day- it still sounds like a pretty viable option for the weekend.